With the holiday season upon us, I wanted to wish all staff and residents a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I cannot thank everyone enough for their hard work and contributions throughout the past twelve months. (Note: Timothy said it was important to start the memo like this.)
I would now like to address an issue that has come up on four separate occasions now, and I feel the need to make myself perfectly clear:
I will NEVER turn anyone into a vampire.
Anticipating your follow-up question (I do that), here’s why: it’s not going to fix everything for you.
That’s what you wanted, right? Immortality, fast healing, super senses, extra strength, everyone’s attention – bleh. Be happy and thankful for what you have and who you are, because if I were to fulfill any of these foolish requests, here’s what you’ll have to look forward to (and these are just off the top of my head).
1. Your desire for blood will occupy your every waking thought. Human blood only and it can’t be outside of a living body longer than an hour. That’s right – and since you don’t actually sleep anymore, you’ll never STOP thinking about it. A little will sustain you, but the amounts that can satisfy you for, oh, maybe six hours or so tend to leave your donors just a little bit dead. Got it? Good. Moving on.
2. You’ll want to be around normal people because that’s where the blood is. If you intend on keeping any friends – and you’ll want to in ways you cannot imagine – you’ll need to be ready to send them off or walk away in a heartbeat, no questions asked. You’ve invested a lot of time making the friends you have – you did want to keep them, right?
3. Forget traveling on a whim; there are no daylight vampire hotels. I call it vampire paranoia, that unshakable feeling that you aren’t safe, especially when you’re dying to rest. Also, while sunlight doesn’t kill you (not much does) you’ll feel like a corpse every moment the sun’s up and you’re not in the ground (read: not just sleeping on dirt but actually interred into an earthen grave.) Remember getting claustrophobic trying to squeeze through a tiny space, that terrifying fear you’ll never get back out again? Imagine the opposite of that: it’s the ONLY place you feel safe when you need to rest because nothing else can get in. I’m not kidding.
4. Obsessive Compulsive Vampire Disorder or OCVD – this might be the worst thing. Heightened senses have a drawback: you notice EVERYTHING, and everything is hard to ignore. That cologne Bob used just a little of? What Amy’s hands smell like after she’s used the restroom and didn’t wash? (Note: Bob and Amy aren’t real people…you know who you are.) And if you don’t keep your mind on task and focused, you start straightening things, counting things, and being bothered by all the little things. That Disney ice queen song? Let it go or else. (I really wanted to say “or Elsa.” What? I like that movie.)
5. Vampires forget nothing. Your worst mistakes actually talk to you – and I mean forever – and only other vampires won’t think you’re nuts. Remember mathematician John Forbes Nash, Jr. from West Virginia who said he imagined seeing people? Same thing, except…well, that’s all I’m going to say about that.
Regimen and routine help, but Cedarcrest is the real reason I can cope; being a vampire is manageable with a little forethought. If you were looking forward to becoming a mindless predator, however, please schedule some talk time with Dr. Faust and feel free to share any and all details with her.
Finally: don’t feel sorry for me.
I’ve come to terms with what I am, but I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. See how much I like all of you?
Cedarcrest comfortably supports one vampire; two would be pushing it. Five is right out.
Okay? Okay.
Happy holidays, everyone – and here’s to a bright new year.
Janiss Connelly
Executive Administrator
Cedarcrest Sanctum
Yes, Timothy suggested the title. Could you tell? It was that or “Immortal Answers to Implausible Questions.”
Cedarcrest Sanctum 